Try a conversation that goes a little deeper

A question with room in it

“What have you been enjoying lately that I haven't heard about?”

It's a small question, but it gives someone more room than “All good?” They can tell you about a book, a new friendship, an afternoon out or something you've been too busy to notice.

You might learn very little. You might spend the next half-hour somewhere neither of you expected. The invitation is to make that space deliberately, with someone who wants to try it too.

What the famous experiment actually tested

In 1997, Arthur Aron and colleagues published a method for generating interpersonal closeness in an experimental setting. Pairs spent about forty-five minutes on tasks involving disclosure and relationship-building, with the level of personal detail increasing as they went.

In one study, participants reported greater closeness afterwards than those doing comparable small-talk tasks. That is narrower than the popular idea that a set of questions can make two people fall in love. A feeling measured after an interaction isn't proof of compatibility, trust over time or a lasting relationship. Aron and colleagues' original paper.

You can find the basic idea interesting without treating a conversation as a machine that produces intimacy. Taking turns, listening and allowing a little more depth is enough of an experiment for an ordinary evening.

Agree to give it a go

Try it with a partner, a friend or someone you are already comfortable talking to. “Fancy a couple of questions we wouldn't usually ask?” will do. A refusal doesn't need analysing.

Choose a relaxed moment and agree that either person can skip a question or stop. This isn't a way to extract a disclosure you've been waiting for. Don't spring it on somebody halfway through an argument, and don't use their willingness to answer as a test of how much they care.

Take turns answering. If you ask for something personal while remaining safely behind the interviewer's desk, it can quickly stop feeling mutual.

Choose one and follow it

These are original North prompts, not the study's questionnaire or a research-tested substitute:

• What have you changed your mind about recently?
• Is there something you used to do that you'd like to make room for again?
• When did you last feel properly understood by someone?
• Is there a part of your week you wish I knew more about?
• What would you like us to do together that we keep putting off?

Pick one that fits the relationship and the mood. There is no need to work through the list in order or push towards the most personal question.

Listen to the answer before reaching for your own example. Ask a follow-up if it feels welcome. “What was good about that?” may open the conversation more naturally than leaping to the next topic.

You can laugh. You can go off at a tangent. A deeper conversation needn't sound solemn, and nobody has to reveal their worst memory for the evening to qualify.

Leave the answer with its owner

If somebody tells you something private, don't turn it into a story for the next dinner party. Ask before sharing it. If they become uncomfortable, back off rather than congratulating yourself on having reached an important issue.

And if a practical problem emerges, check whether they want ideas before offering a solution. Sometimes they do. Sometimes they are still trying to say what the problem is.

You don't need a verdict at the end. Make another drink, carry on talking or put the film on. The next conversation can begin with something you now know to ask about.